I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Today is happy
It most certainly is
Shake a pop
And make it fizz
Fly a kite
Or take a nap
Slap a knee
And pat a back
Run or skip
Without a care
Or fly a plane
If you dare
Swim or skate
Take your pick
Hit a mailbox
With a stick
Fall or trip
Laugh or play
Its your Birthday
1. May u grow to be toothless!
2. Hey, u r 1 year older now, 1 year smarter now, 1 year bigger now, and now u r 1 year closer to all your wishes. Happy Birthday
3. Happy birthday pighead may you fart, fart and fart whole day.
4. Happy b’day 2 u happy b’day 2 u happy b’day 2 u my dear ……….. happy b’day 2 u hope this day become the most memorable day of ur life and ur all wishes comes true. so enjoy today with joy.
5. May the good lord bless you with excellent health and defend your life from the evil one! see many more years happy birthday
6. On ur b’day, some words of wisdom… …smile while u still have teeth. Happy B’day
7. When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like you parents.
8. Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.
9. All of us are joining in to say, that May the year which your birthday begins, brings all the special things, that mean the most to you!
10. A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!!!
Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader’s Digest (dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting considering our current debates!
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:
“Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours.”
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked
‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’
The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying “Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions.” Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
Ur Mother-In-Law Falls from 7th Floor on your brand new Mercedes & you dont know whether to laugh or cry……..
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.